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Jokes
Q. What does Celtic really stand for?
A. C*ltic Even Lost To Inverness Caley
A Rangers fan and Celtic fan stumble upon a magic lamp.
The Rangers fan gets to it first, picks it up and gives it a rub. There's a flash, a puff of smoke, and a
genie appears
The genie looks at the 2 men and demands to know who it was that rubbed the lamp. Delighted, the
Rangers fan announces that it was him.
"Okay," says the genie, "So you get 3 wishes. But there's a catch."
"Whats that them?" asks the 'Gers fan.
"Well, whatever you wish for, I'll give the other guy double."
"Thats alright with me," says the 'Gers fan, and starts the ball rolling by wishing for a million pounds.
"Granted!" says the genie, "But the Celtic fan gets 2 million."
"Fair enough. Now, I'd like a nice new Ferrari,"
"Done. But the Celtic fan gets 2 Ferraris."
"Okay," says the Rangers fan, "I'd like to donate a kidney."
Two Rangers fans were sitting in their local one Saturday afternoon watching the news on TV while waiting for the classified results to come up.
One got up to get the next round in. When he came back, he was surprised to discover his pal gazing fixedly at the screen with tears in his eyes.
"What's the matter wi' you?" he asked.
"Its just said on the news - a busload of Celtc was in a smash on the motorway. It somersaulted three times, ended up on its roof, and everyone in it is deid!"
"Thats terrible, so it is. But hey, you're gettin' awfy soft-hearted, aren't ye? I've seen a time when you'd've been laughin' at that, no' greetin'"
"Well, the worst of it is," said his pal, wiping away a tear, "there were three empty seats on that bus!"
A Celtic fan parks his car outside Parkhead and gets out to go to the game. He is approached by two wee boys: " Haw mister! Watch yer car fur ye?"
The fan turns the boys down, pointing at the large Rottweiler glaring back from the backseat, he says "Ah don't need any help tae mind ma motor wi' Killer in it," he boasted.
On his return to the car after the game, he found that all his tyres were flat. There was also a scrawled note tucked beneath his windscreen wiper.
Snatching the note up he read: "If Killur is so brilyent get him to blaw up yur tires."
Two Rangers fans, Archie and Billy, were in a car with Joe, the Celtic fan, when it crashes into a tree, and all three are killed.
They find themselves standing at the gates of Hell, when suddenly a voice booms out: 'PREPARE TO MEET THINE ETERNAL PUNISHMENT!!!!'
POOF! All three disappear, and reappear in a room, empty except for a bed. There, naked on the bed, lies the ugliest woman anyone has ever seen. She weighs 32 stone, and has warts upon her warts. She has more hair on her back than she has on her head, and is covered in boils, oozing pus.
The voice booms out again: 'ARCHIE, YOU HAVE SINNED, YOU WILL SPEND THE REST OF ETERNITY MAKING LOVE TO THIS WOMAN!!!'
POOF! Billy and Joe disappear, leaving Archie sobbing. They reappear in another similar room, but this time the bed is occupied by the first woman's uglier sister. If you thought the last one was bad, she was a supermodel compared to this one.
The voice booms out again: 'BILLY, YOU HAVE SINNED, YOU WILL SPEND THE REST OF ETERNITY MAKING LOVE TO THIS WOMAN!!!'
POOF! Joe disappears, leaving Billy vomiting. He reappears in another room, but instead of the crone he was expecting, there on the bed lies Cindy Crawford.
The voice then booms out: 'CINDY, YOU HAVE SINNED...'
Billy, a Rangers fan dies and goes to Hell. He wants to leave and go to heaven.
The Devil agrees but says "You have to have sex with the ugliest girl in Hell". He agrees and Alan Stubb's wife appears. Billy has sex with her and is violently sick everywhere.
He is finished and he is about to leave and he sees a foxy woman having sex with Tom Boyd.
He complains to the Devil, and the Devil says, "Yeah, she wanted to go to heaven as well"!!!!