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Jokes page 2
There's a Celtic fan, a Rastafarian and a Rangers fan in a hospital waiting to pick up their newly born baby boys.
The doctor comes in and says "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mix up and we're not sure which baby is which...".
The doc leaves the 3 men to decide who picks first, so they draw straws. Obviously the Celtic fan loses, and the Rangers fan wins and runs over and picks up the little black baby...
"Hey man, what the hell are you doing, that's obviously not yours..." cries the Rasta, "Fuck off, pal, I won and there's no way I'm ending up with a Tim!".
For years, a young Celtic Fan had been taking holidays at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you phone when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a Celtic Fan."
Two Celtic fans are walking along.
One of them picks up a mirror, looks in it, and says "Hey, I know that bloke"
The second one picks it up and says "Of course you do, you thick twat - its me!"
A Celtic supporting family were shopping in the Metro centre, and ended up in a sports shop. Little Joey suddenly puts on a Rangers shirt and says to his sister, "Look, I'm a Ranger!". His sister slaps him across the face and orders him to show their mum. He wanders over to his mum and says, "Maw, look, I'm a Ranger". His mother also slaps him across the face, and orders him to show his dad. He finds his dad and says, "Da', da', I'm a Ranger". His dad looks at him and them he also slaps him across the face. On their way home in the car, the family turn to him and say, "Well we hope you've learned something today" to which Little Joey replies, "Yeah, I've only been a Ranger for two minutes and I already hate you Celtic bastards!"
A Rangers fan and a Celtic fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars (with football stickers on windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The Rangers fan replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Celtic fan.
The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The Rangers fan replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at parkhead?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Ibrox